Dear Henrietta,
I met a girl in my biology class that I really like. She’s always singing or humming when she works in the lab, so I asked her out on a date to a karaoke bar. She said yes, but she made me promise that I’d sing her a song. There is one little problem. I can’t sing. What do I do?
Signed,
Not Quite Pitch-Perfect
Dear Not Quite Pitch-Perfect,
Your best strategy is to create a diversion.
Here’s the score, my friend. To put it in musical terms—rest, take a beat, and sharpen up your wardrobe. It’s time to change your tune a bit. You don’t want to fall flat, so there are ways that you can measure up!
Step One: gather up as many of your friends as you can, and invite them to the karaoke night event. Be strategic. Call your friends that love karaoke. Call your friends that you know can sing. But most importantly, call your friends that can’t sing, who love to drink, and think that they are great at karaoke.
Step Two: Walk on over to the music and theatre department. Make some new friends, seeking out the divas. These ladies (and gentlemen) can be spotted by their remarkable style—their clothes, hair, accessories. If they look like they are ready for a photo shoot at any given moment, you’ve found your tribe.
Step Three: Once you have gathered your forces, circle back to your peeps and compile a list of their favorite songs. Make sure somebody is assigned Bohemian Rhapsody, Paradise by the Dashboard Light, and My Heart Will Go On. Throw in some Prince, Bonnie Tyler and Alanis Morissette. Dangle the Journey carrot. Casually mention the entire soundtrack for Grease.
With your singers primed, your request list ready to go, there is just one more task. Arrive early, seek out the karaoke DJ, and put in your requests before the rest of the audience. Slip in a little tip.
So what’s the result? No stage time left for you. Bravo!
But just in case, have a back-up plan. If your friends don’t show up (which would probably never happen because the type of people you invited are awesome friends), get ready to SING. Get on some karaoke websites and find a song that you really connect to and make sure it is in your vocal range. Hire a vocal coach. Practice. Breathe.
But here is the most important thing: once you are on the date, focus on that sweet girl from biology class. She deserves to be center stage. Whatever she sings, cheer for her. Be authentic and attentive and she will see that you are the best date EVER.
So there you are! Problem solved.
I hope this helps and remember: he who pays the piper calls the tune.
Love,
Henrietta
Henrietta Craven was born and raised in New Bern and enjoys gardening, hunting bears and improvisational dance. She is a self-proclaimed expert on a wide variety of subjects including (but not limited to) fashion, mixology, and automotive repair. Henrietta resides in a lovely Victorian home in downtown New Bern with her five cats: Graffenreid, Bethune, Devereux, Stanton and Carraway.
Disclaimer: keep in mind that Henrietta’s advice should be taken lightheartedly, with a sense of humor, and then ignored.
If you have a problem, and would like Henrietta to give you some advice,
please send a note to: henrietta@newbernmagazine.com