Dear Henrietta,
Now that August has rolled in, it’s so hot that it feels like hell’s front porch! Thankfully we put a pool in the backyard at the start of the summer so we can beat the heat. However, our new attraction has become very appealing to my mother-in-law, who lives right next door to us. Lately, all she does is complain about her hot flashes and says the only way she is going to survive the heat is by floating in our pool—every single day. She’s even drinking all our margarita mix and tequila! It’s just too much, and my wife and I don’t have any privacy anymore (or anything left in our well-stocked bar), but I don’t know how to keep her away. What can I do?
Signed,
Hot Hubby
Dear Hot Hubby,
Well, somehow you need to contaminate her oasis. Think of it as a challenge.
Here’s my best advice:
• Turn up the temperature of that pool. Put away the patio furniture, especially the umbrella. Hide all the towels. If she’s in menopause, she will melt under these circumstances in the direct sun. You win!
• Put those outdoor pool speakers to good use and turn on some music that would repel just about anyone. A mashup of Creed, Phish and Limp Bizkit should do the trick.
• Add a little laxative to the margarita mix. Drink almost all the tequila. Now, lock the bathroom door from the inside. In her desperation, she will have to go back to her house to use the bathroom and you’re rid of her for the day!
• Buy a collection of rubber snakes, spiders, and alligators and drop them into the pool and around the yard. She may figure out they aren’t real, but it could just scare her enough to make her think twice about getting into the water.
I hope this helps and remember: family is forever, but it doesn’t mean you have to see them every day!
Love,
Henrietta
Henrietta Craven was born and raised in New Bern and enjoys gardening, hunting bears and improvisational dance. She is a self-proclaimed expert on a wide variety of subjects including (but not limited to) fashion, mixology, and cooking. Henrietta resides in a lovely Victorian home in downtown New Bern with her five cats: Graffenreid, Bethune, Devereux, Stanton and Carraway.