Dear Henrietta,
I want to make some guacamole dip tonight, but my avocadoes are rock hard. What do I do?
Signed,
Feeling Pit-iful
Dear Feeling Pit-iful,
The easiest way to quickly ripen an avocado is to warm it up. Just follow my step-by-step instructions!
Step One: choose two of your unripe avocadoes and place them under your armpits. The natural heat of your body will begin to soften them immediately, but if you really want to speed up the ripening process, start dancing. Now, salsa dancing would be the obvious choice, but you could also try country line dancing, hip-hop, or even old-school Jazzercise. The longer you dance, the warmer your body temperature will become, but whatever you do, don’t drop those avocadoes from under your armpits!
Once you are good and worn out, it will be time to rehydrate. Keep your avocadoes in place and move onto to Step Two: mixing the perfect margarita. In a shaker, add some ice cubes and mix together 2 oz. high quality 100% de agave tequila, ¾ oz. Cointreau orange liqueur, ¾ oz. fresh squeezed lime juice, and ¼ oz. agave syrup. Shake vigorously for 3 minutes. Repeat as needed. If you are new to mixology, and feel like you’re really mastering your margaritas, feel free to add another dancing session. If you are a professional bartender, add singing because it’s always important to challenge yourself.
You should be feeling nice and warm by now—and perhaps a little sentimental from the tequila.
So onto Step Three: With your avocadoes still tucked away, find some stationary and a pen, and write a nice long letter to an old flame that you can’t seem to forget. Remember the first flirtation, the perfect date, the perfect kiss. Pour out your heart into your words. Get it all out. Cry a little. Make another margarita. And don’t even consider sending that letter. You dumped all that emotion on paper so you could burn it along with your unresolved feelings as a teenager brimming with hormones.
Unburdened emotionally and physically, and inspired (probably) by Gloria Estefan feeling “the beat of the rhythm of the night,” remove the avocadoes from under your arms. Are they softer? If not, you can try wrapping them in tin foil and placing them on a cookie sheet in the oven for ten minutes at 200 degrees.
If that doesn’t work, give up.
So there you are! Problem solved.
I hope this helps and remember: to lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.
Love,
Henrietta
Henrietta Craven was born and raised in New Bern and enjoys gardening, hunting bears and improvisational dance. She is a self-proclaimed expert on a wide variety of subjects including (but not limited to) fashion, mixology, and automotive repair. Henrietta resides in a lovely Victorian home in downtown New Bern with her five cats: Graffenreid, Bethune, Devereux, Stanton and Carraway.
Disclaimer: keep in mind that Henrietta’s advice should be taken lightheartedly, with a sense of humor, and then ignored.
If you have a problem, and would like Henrietta to give you some advice, please send a note to: henrietta@newbernmagazine.com