Dear Henrietta:
My husband wants to spend all of his time fishing. Also, he invites over his friends to join him and they stay at our house from Friday to Sunday every weekend. They eat and drink everything and leave a mess behind for me to clean up. It’s driving me crazy. What should I do?
Signed,
The Fishing Widow
Dear Fishing Widow:
My best advice is to find a way to spoil their fun.
Step 1: Find the live bait container that your husband has probably stored in your refrigerator. Dump the worms and dirt on your counter. Carefully lift each worm out of the dirt and place it in a separate mixing bowl. Then sprinkle the worms generously with hot sauce. Next, mix them back into the soil and put them back where you found them. The next day, when your husband and his friends try to put them on the hook, the worms will be so angry from the hot sauce that they won’t be able to use them. They’ll wiggle right off the hook. Ta-dah!
Step 2: Take all the beer out of the fridge and place it directly in the hot sun for the day—then put it back in the fridge. They should be all the way down the river before they realize that the beer is skunked, and everyone knows that it is impossible fish without beer, so they will have to return home. Your husband will be back into your arms in no time at all!
Step 3: Go to Walmart and buy a cricket colony starter kit for $27.98. (Hurry, there are only 4 left in stock at the New Bern store). The next time his friends fall asleep in your guest room, quietly sneak inside and fill the bed with live crickets. Chances are when they wake up covered in bugs, they won’t want to stay the weekend again!
So there you are! Problem solved.
I hope this helps and remember: fish and visitors stink after three days.
Love,
Henrietta
Henrietta Craven was born and raised in New Bern and enjoys gardening, hunting bears and improvisational dance. She is a self-proclaimed expert on a wide variety of subjects including (but not limited to) fashion, mixology, and automotive repair. Henrietta resides in a lovely Victorian home in downtown New Bern with her five cats: Graffenreid, Bethune, Devereux, Stanton and Carraway.
Disclaimer: keep in mind that Henrietta’s advice should be taken lightheartedly, with a sense of humor, and then ignored.
If you have a problem, and would like Henrietta to give you some advice,
please send a note to: henrietta@newbernmagazine.com